It's been a while since I've written anything. Been a while since I've sat down and really thought about myself. For 2 years everything in my life was going great. I thought I had a purpose. I did everything before. I meditated, I ate right, I thought happy, and I even felt happy. This year was suppose to be a year of change for me, although it was not the change I was expecting. Things just flipped upside down. My purpose was crushed. I stopped believing in myself. I stopped feeling happy. It was like I was a ghost among ghosts. I feel like I have no purpose anymore. I want to do something but I have no drive, no hope, no more love for life.
The year was 2012 much was obscure. Is this the last year of life? Is this where the world finally changes? Is this where we all give up our greed, angry, jealousy, and start to love and treat one another as brothers and sisters? I thought so. I really really believed that change was coming. I really wanted to end this world we live in. The chase of money and power with no love for one another. I really wanted it to end and it didn't. I feel that because it didn't I'm just waiting for it. Maybe I'm just a sucker for change. I sit and wait for a miracle, an answer to all this. Days go by and nothing comes. Maybe I just need to realize that I'm gonna die an old man here, and there's no quick way out of here. Maybe that's the reason I meditated heavily before. I had a drive. I had a love for people. I had love for this earth. Yeah I want to get out of here, but at the same time it's an amazing place we live in. So many good things are here and just because there is so much bad there's no reason to lose hope. I'm telling this to myself and it's working. I do feel happy. Maybe writing is just what I need. Writing helps me put my mind out and see what I really think. From what I've just written I sound like a mess. But at the same time I shed light on the direction I need to go.
Remember when you were a child and everything was new? Before someone came along and told you had to earn a living. I remember my childhood of imagination. I loved creating imaginary friends. I loved to create imaginary scenarios. It was like a movie but in real life. I felt so happy so free. I think it was because that time did not matter. I think that's why I do not mediate anymore. I think it's a waste of time. And that's so stupid for me to say and even believe. When I was at my peak I felt myself. I felt every chakra come out of me expect the throat. I have a big problem with my throat chakra. When I tried to mediate about a month ago I felt lost. My connection was lost. Why? Why do I feel so down so useless. It's like everything I do I find no purpose. Part of me believes it's because of people. Because I let what people think about me affect my life. I believe that I'm just constantly watched. It's like sometimes I feel so embarrassed when I'm by myself and I want to act silly. When I want to act like I child I feel embarrassed. I don't know why. When I do things that I want to do no matter what it is, I feel criticized. Like there's a little Japedo saying "No No Stupid Why are you doing that It's just a waste of time" But to me I feel it's not a waste. Yet I feel like I'm not myself anymore. I care too much of what others think of me now. I think that's the reason why I lost my purpose. Because I don't do things I want to do with a clear mind. I do things saying in my head " I should be doing something else" But come on David. If you do that your whole life where the hell is your life? This was a big eye opener. I do have a purpose. I just need to stop thinking about others, and for once in my life focus on myself.
