I hate the way I am

I hate you for taking away my happiness. I hate you for not making the ones I love happy. I hate you for not being there when I want you to. I hate that I have to be stronger than you. I hate that I can't say hello. I hate that when you talk you are always negative. I hate how much I had to change. I hate the way that my life has turned out. I want to have my friends back. I want to explore the new. I want to be free. I want to be taken. I want to see that life is good. I want to see that my mom is happy. I want to see that I can do it. I hate that I think so much. I hate that I cannot stop thinking about the future. I hate how I question every move. I hate how I cant go for it. I hate that I don't have my courage. I hate that I can't find someone I love. I hate how my heart burns with anger. I hate it when she asks me to do things. I hate it that I cannot be left alone. I hate it so much because I am lazy. I hate that I am lazy. I want to be active. I hate that I cannot stop. I hate the habit I cannot kick. I want to kick it to the curb and enjoy the weekends like I use to. I hate being so alone. I hate being so cold. I hate living in fear. I hate that no one can hear me. I hate that no one is honest with me. And I hate that I cannot tell what others think about me. I hate that I contradict myself. I hate that I care about others. I hate that I cannot let go. I hate that I cannot be free. I want to hold you. I want to hug you. I want to walk in the snow. I want to walk in the rain. I want you with my friends. I want you alone. I want to share you with my mom. And be proud that I am loved. I want you to be honest. I want you to show me that you care. I want you to love me like I love you. I hate how I cannot have you. I hate how I wait for nothing. I hate how I think something good will happen. I hate how nothing happens. I hate that I want the bad. I hate how I want the good. I want to stop my world. I want to pause. I want to take a breath. I want to take a dip. I want to see you in my face. I want you to last. I hate that I want. I hate that. I want to stop wanting. I want to stop caring. I want to be free. I want to not worry. I want you. I want you to save me. I want you to show me there is a God. I want to know that he loves me. I want to see God. I want to talk to my angel. I want to fly in the air.  I want to stop thinking about all my troubles. I want to think of the new.