What's the Purpose?

        It's been a while since I've written anything. Been a while since I've sat down and really thought about myself. For 2 years everything in my life was going great. I thought I had a purpose. I did everything before. I meditated, I ate right, I thought happy, and I even felt happy. This year was suppose to be a year of change for me, although it was not the change I was expecting. Things just flipped upside down. My purpose was crushed. I stopped believing in myself. I stopped feeling happy. It was like I was a ghost among ghosts. I feel like I have no purpose anymore. I want to do something but I have no drive, no hope, no more love for life. 

         The year was 2012 much was obscure. Is this the last year of life? Is this where the world finally changes? Is this where we all give up our greed, angry, jealousy, and start to love and treat one another as brothers and sisters? I thought so. I really really believed that change was coming. I really wanted to end this world we live in. The chase of money and power with no love for one another. I really wanted it to end and it didn't. I feel that because it didn't I'm just waiting for it. Maybe I'm just a sucker for change. I sit and wait for a miracle, an answer to all this. Days go by and nothing comes. Maybe I just need to realize that I'm gonna die an old man here, and there's no quick way out of here. Maybe that's the reason I meditated heavily before. I had a drive. I had a love for people. I had love for this earth. Yeah I want to get out of here, but at the same time it's an amazing place we live in. So many good things are here and just because there is so much bad there's no reason to lose hope. I'm telling this to myself and it's working. I do feel happy. Maybe writing is just what I need. Writing helps me put my mind out and see what I really think. From what I've just written I sound like a mess.    But at the same time I shed light on the direction I need to go. 

       Remember when you were a child and everything was new? Before someone came along and told you had to earn a living. I remember my childhood of imagination. I loved creating imaginary friends. I loved to create imaginary scenarios. It was like a movie but in real life. I felt so happy so free. I think it was because that time did not matter. I think that's why I do not mediate anymore. I think it's a waste of time. And that's so stupid for me to say and even believe. When I was at my peak I felt myself. I felt every chakra come out of me expect the throat. I have a big problem with my throat chakra. When I tried to mediate about a month ago I felt lost. My connection was lost. Why? Why do I feel so down so useless. It's like everything I do I find no purpose. Part of me believes it's because of people. Because I let what people think about me affect my life. I believe that I'm just constantly watched. It's like sometimes I feel so embarrassed when I'm by myself and I want to act silly. When I want to act like I child I feel embarrassed. I don't know why. When I do things that I want to do no matter what it is, I feel criticized. Like there's a little Japedo saying "No No Stupid Why are you doing that It's just a waste of time" But to me I feel it's not a waste. Yet I feel like I'm not myself anymore. I care too much of what others think of me now. I think that's the reason why I lost my purpose. Because I don't do things I want to do with a clear mind. I do things saying in my head " I should be doing something else" But come on David. If you do that your whole life where the hell is your life? This was a big eye opener. I do have a purpose. I just need to stop thinking about others, and for once in my life focus on myself. 

Scared

Dreams are amazing. They can take you to a whole another wold. Sometimes they can make you feel you so good, and other times they can make you feel like your in an asylum. The world you experience in your dream and the world you see in front of you is two different worlds. One world is "reality" filled with love and pain. The other world is just the same at times, but the only difference is you feel more in control. How high you can jump, how fast you can drive a car, hold your breathe, run, even go from one place to the next is fascinating. It is a deep seed inside of us that we all desire to experience.  It is a teaser. A hole of light in the dark night. It is a cruel feeling when you wake up after believing everything in your dream was real, thus when you wake up the life you had yesterday is the same in the morning.  This morning I felt fear. Great fear of this world. How can I live in a place where I know one wrong move will lead me or those around me to pain and suffering. Why is it that I feel so fearful. It is something I believe I have not brought to light. That I am scared of this world. Its beauty has no words, but its pain has many. It is a game. And I must cheat the game. I must not play the game. I must remember I am the gamer. I am not the game itself. The game is a world in which I was born into. I pressed start somewhere else. And I came here. My dream is a reminder of my pain. The dream I had of being hunted down, and then just for a brief moment experience a pleasure of 7 women. Is just a reminder. I need to figure out the reminder....and what I just figured is that as much suffering I can endure there is a light at the end of the hole in which gives me a small brief glimpse of the world that is to come. All that I have experienced the bad has seemed to out way all the good. All the wonderful spiritual natural feelings has slowly diminished. The pain body is coming back. And I remember, that day. Where a lighting hit my head, a surge of energy, of goodness, shot down into my skull to my toes and I felt the world. I felt him. And that moment is why I believe this world is not mine. After that moment I felt that I am more. That moment which connected me to the source and Gaia. I am depressed because of that. It is a sign that many people experience when they awaken. I am an old soul. I must not forget that I live in a world with all kinds of souls. Young, Baby, Teen, Mature...they are all on a different level. I myself have been given the final stage of souls at a young age. It is something I do not understand, it is something i have not created, it is something that has been given to me. I have been going at this wrong the whole time. I thought seeing was believing because of all the signs I have seen in the sky. But now I know and believe feeling is believing. I saw and still did not have 100% belief. But I felt and believed more. Feel the world. And you feel yourself light. You feel yourself wonderful. And when you open your eyes, you feel better. 

An old thought I had.

David Petrescu

9/4/09

Religion 4

Period 6

Philosophy Paper

In my life I have a philosophy of good vibes and respect. If you respect me I’ll respect you, but respect is different for many people. For me respect is being kind, polite, and giving a good “vibe” towards others and me. A good vibe for me is when I feel that your presence is calm and very social towards people. People that don’t know how to socialize give off bad vibes and they normally tend to be all about themselves and don’t know how to treat other people. I dislike many people that don’t know how to have a proper conversation with another human being. When a person is disrespectful towards others and does not know how to treat a person they automatically lose my respect. The reason for this is because if you are going to treat other people bad what makes me any different? There are exceptions to this kind of situation; yes I do not know them so I can’t judge them but they lost my respect. If I start talking to them later and they show me that they are respectful and it was just an in the moment thing than my thoughts will change about them. In my life good vibes mean a lot to me. When a person has a good vibe they are generally good people, they may not know what they want in their lives but they are good enough people to understand that life isn’t all about making money. It’s about trying to be the best person you can be. If that means getting rich or being an average person than that’s fine all you have to do is be a good person. That is my main philosophy being a good person in the time that we have to live.

OceanLab- Just Listen

See the open road
Nothing there to fear
Feel the ebb and flow
Of all the people here

From day to night and night to day
An endless sea of choice
If you should ever lose your way
Just listen to your voice
Just listen
(Your voice)

From day to night and night to day
An endless sea of choice
If you should ever lose your way
Just listen to your voice
Just listen
(Your voice)

I kid you not. This Album changed my life. It can relate to everyone. And to me. It feels amazing to hear the same thought in their struggles that relate to mine. 

Where does the road go?

What lies ahead? The road is dark and misty. But for some reason I am happy. I lived in the now, and it was glorious. One day at a time. Picture it as your last, would you do everything you'd like to do? Sometimes I don't. But sometimes I do. I mainly wish to say to say something to get a decent talk with you. Something that'll leave you smiling when you go home tonight and reflect on the day. I think I might have done it without me knowing. As I do things I don't think of them as anything. But when I read a certain book I seem to possess the traits that are already described. So I am on the right path. I just need to be patient. Patience, everything will come in time. :) 

My Birthday

I can be added up in a song. And a picture. Enjoy whoever you are. I did. I love life. And I came to terms with who I am. I found myself. Money, career, it will come by itself. For now, I'll take it day by day. Slowly. As slowly as possible. Like it is our last. Your last.

Belief comes within.

Romans 5

 ¹Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

 ²By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

 ³And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

 ⁴And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

 ⁵And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

 ⁶For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.

 ⁷For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.

 ⁸But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

 ⁹Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.

 ¹⁰For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life.

-King James Version

Why do I need this? Because I have suffering, I am patient, I gain experience everyday, and I hope for the best. Slowly things are coming together. But I have the fear. I have the fear that things will turn for the worse and all that I have hoped for would be a dream. I was told fear sets limits. Once you have fear you have a limit. If I fear the worse, what's my limit? Well what's my fear? My vision, my passion, my want for what I want to become slips away. That is my fear. Sometimes it takes a paragraph to share your thoughts and realize more about yourself. I have a fear, but now that I think of it it's a silly fear. I'm Jesus was scared before he died, yet he did it. He went through it every step of the way. I'm saying if he can take a beating like that and then still hope for the best at the last moments of his life. Something tells me that if I have to hope for the good no matter what the situation. It all comes down to how much you want. The less wants you have, the more you take things as they come like the yin and yang, the happier you will be. Happiness seems difficult to achieve. But if we change our focus it's right in front of us. My focus was or maybe still is to make money so I can help those around me. But I forget my career path isn't about money to help others. Its about how I feel about others. How I want others to feel good about themselves. Just like the artists before me they play to make happiness. Playing piano to me is happiness. And I do it everyday without making a penny. My happiness is right in front. The tomorrow is unknown, the past is a memory, and today is a chance. I believe that there is more to this life than what meets the eye. And so far, our only eyes have been stuck on this universe. So I'll continue to hope, pray, and remember this verse. Because I need to believe in myself. I hope, I pray, I wait, I suffer, I experience. What more do I need to believe in myself?