Over Thy Wilt

Humans can overcome many hardships and challenges. Taking my life into account, I can relate to no one. I try to think, and think of someone who might have the same life as me and yet I cannot.
  Physical challenges have always been a part of my life. When I think of the soccer team whose plane crashed in the Alphs during the 70's I can see that their challenge is much like mine. Alothough their pain,grief, despair, and agony was no where compared to mine it related to me. No pain no gain. That's what I try to get my mindset at when I go to the gym. I try and try and it works sometimes. Yet other times I forget and just want to give up.
Giving up is such a failure. To give up on something you want to do try and complete is really sad. Sad for yourself and sad for those who waited till the end. Numbers are infinite and so are the possibilities that one can overcome anything they believe in. When pain is lingering, linger with it. Observed it, do not run. See how it breathes, moves, and reacts to everything good. Pain is gain. You must overcome the truth that pain does not stop at number 10, or 10,000,000,000. It's forever. Shadow the pain, not the gains.

My Love

I wish you can be here to see me cry. To see me so lonely and so hurt. I wish you can see me as the abandoned abused animal from pound. So you can see how I was before you met me. I can't stand to be alone. I can't stand trying so hard only to be ridiculed for trying. I hate how nobody understands how bad it hurts. To see the one you love lying to not hurt your feelings. I hate how I cannot see straight anymore. How after I left, I was pushed away yet again. I hate when I was there I was pushed away. I was kept from everybody like some wild dog. I hate how my feelings are always a joke. My feelings are arguments. I missed the days when we would cry together about how much we miss each other. I miss how we can't express how much we miss each other. How feelings have to be suppressed                                                    , in which suppressed feelings also causes people to forget. I am a walking ghost. I feel nothing.I have fought so hard only to be belittled. I had such good intentions, and I am in shock what good has done for me. Doing good makes you feel bad. Doing bad makes you feel good. I tried so hard to not do bad because I saw what bad can do to people. Nobody remembers the good, only the bad. When good appears it is quickly forgotten. Why be good? Why do good? Why hope for love? Why try? Because you have to believe.

How Bad Can It Hurt?

The feeling of failure, there is nothing like the feeling of failure.
You want something in life, you have a natural instinct to give it all.
You feel that natural instinct, you question the motives of your instinct.
You wish for things to be the same, you wish that things never happened.

What's the Purpose?

        It's been a while since I've written anything. Been a while since I've sat down and really thought about myself. For 2 years everything in my life was going great. I thought I had a purpose. I did everything before. I meditated, I ate right, I thought happy, and I even felt happy. This year was suppose to be a year of change for me, although it was not the change I was expecting. Things just flipped upside down. My purpose was crushed. I stopped believing in myself. I stopped feeling happy. It was like I was a ghost among ghosts. I feel like I have no purpose anymore. I want to do something but I have no drive, no hope, no more love for life. 

         The year was 2012 much was obscure. Is this the last year of life? Is this where the world finally changes? Is this where we all give up our greed, angry, jealousy, and start to love and treat one another as brothers and sisters? I thought so. I really really believed that change was coming. I really wanted to end this world we live in. The chase of money and power with no love for one another. I really wanted it to end and it didn't. I feel that because it didn't I'm just waiting for it. Maybe I'm just a sucker for change. I sit and wait for a miracle, an answer to all this. Days go by and nothing comes. Maybe I just need to realize that I'm gonna die an old man here, and there's no quick way out of here. Maybe that's the reason I meditated heavily before. I had a drive. I had a love for people. I had love for this earth. Yeah I want to get out of here, but at the same time it's an amazing place we live in. So many good things are here and just because there is so much bad there's no reason to lose hope. I'm telling this to myself and it's working. I do feel happy. Maybe writing is just what I need. Writing helps me put my mind out and see what I really think. From what I've just written I sound like a mess.    But at the same time I shed light on the direction I need to go. 

       Remember when you were a child and everything was new? Before someone came along and told you had to earn a living. I remember my childhood of imagination. I loved creating imaginary friends. I loved to create imaginary scenarios. It was like a movie but in real life. I felt so happy so free. I think it was because that time did not matter. I think that's why I do not mediate anymore. I think it's a waste of time. And that's so stupid for me to say and even believe. When I was at my peak I felt myself. I felt every chakra come out of me expect the throat. I have a big problem with my throat chakra. When I tried to mediate about a month ago I felt lost. My connection was lost. Why? Why do I feel so down so useless. It's like everything I do I find no purpose. Part of me believes it's because of people. Because I let what people think about me affect my life. I believe that I'm just constantly watched. It's like sometimes I feel so embarrassed when I'm by myself and I want to act silly. When I want to act like I child I feel embarrassed. I don't know why. When I do things that I want to do no matter what it is, I feel criticized. Like there's a little Japedo saying "No No Stupid Why are you doing that It's just a waste of time" But to me I feel it's not a waste. Yet I feel like I'm not myself anymore. I care too much of what others think of me now. I think that's the reason why I lost my purpose. Because I don't do things I want to do with a clear mind. I do things saying in my head " I should be doing something else" But come on David. If you do that your whole life where the hell is your life? This was a big eye opener. I do have a purpose. I just need to stop thinking about others, and for once in my life focus on myself. 

Scared

Dreams are amazing. They can take you to a whole another wold. Sometimes they can make you feel you so good, and other times they can make you feel like your in an asylum. The world you experience in your dream and the world you see in front of you is two different worlds. One world is "reality" filled with love and pain. The other world is just the same at times, but the only difference is you feel more in control. How high you can jump, how fast you can drive a car, hold your breathe, run, even go from one place to the next is fascinating. It is a deep seed inside of us that we all desire to experience.  It is a teaser. A hole of light in the dark night. It is a cruel feeling when you wake up after believing everything in your dream was real, thus when you wake up the life you had yesterday is the same in the morning.  This morning I felt fear. Great fear of this world. How can I live in a place where I know one wrong move will lead me or those around me to pain and suffering. Why is it that I feel so fearful. It is something I believe I have not brought to light. That I am scared of this world. Its beauty has no words, but its pain has many. It is a game. And I must cheat the game. I must not play the game. I must remember I am the gamer. I am not the game itself. The game is a world in which I was born into. I pressed start somewhere else. And I came here. My dream is a reminder of my pain. The dream I had of being hunted down, and then just for a brief moment experience a pleasure of 7 women. Is just a reminder. I need to figure out the reminder....and what I just figured is that as much suffering I can endure there is a light at the end of the hole in which gives me a small brief glimpse of the world that is to come. All that I have experienced the bad has seemed to out way all the good. All the wonderful spiritual natural feelings has slowly diminished. The pain body is coming back. And I remember, that day. Where a lighting hit my head, a surge of energy, of goodness, shot down into my skull to my toes and I felt the world. I felt him. And that moment is why I believe this world is not mine. After that moment I felt that I am more. That moment which connected me to the source and Gaia. I am depressed because of that. It is a sign that many people experience when they awaken. I am an old soul. I must not forget that I live in a world with all kinds of souls. Young, Baby, Teen, Mature...they are all on a different level. I myself have been given the final stage of souls at a young age. It is something I do not understand, it is something i have not created, it is something that has been given to me. I have been going at this wrong the whole time. I thought seeing was believing because of all the signs I have seen in the sky. But now I know and believe feeling is believing. I saw and still did not have 100% belief. But I felt and believed more. Feel the world. And you feel yourself light. You feel yourself wonderful. And when you open your eyes, you feel better. 

An old thought I had.

David Petrescu

9/4/09

Religion 4

Period 6

Philosophy Paper

In my life I have a philosophy of good vibes and respect. If you respect me I’ll respect you, but respect is different for many people. For me respect is being kind, polite, and giving a good “vibe” towards others and me. A good vibe for me is when I feel that your presence is calm and very social towards people. People that don’t know how to socialize give off bad vibes and they normally tend to be all about themselves and don’t know how to treat other people. I dislike many people that don’t know how to have a proper conversation with another human being. When a person is disrespectful towards others and does not know how to treat a person they automatically lose my respect. The reason for this is because if you are going to treat other people bad what makes me any different? There are exceptions to this kind of situation; yes I do not know them so I can’t judge them but they lost my respect. If I start talking to them later and they show me that they are respectful and it was just an in the moment thing than my thoughts will change about them. In my life good vibes mean a lot to me. When a person has a good vibe they are generally good people, they may not know what they want in their lives but they are good enough people to understand that life isn’t all about making money. It’s about trying to be the best person you can be. If that means getting rich or being an average person than that’s fine all you have to do is be a good person. That is my main philosophy being a good person in the time that we have to live.

OceanLab- Just Listen

See the open road
Nothing there to fear
Feel the ebb and flow
Of all the people here

From day to night and night to day
An endless sea of choice
If you should ever lose your way
Just listen to your voice
Just listen
(Your voice)

From day to night and night to day
An endless sea of choice
If you should ever lose your way
Just listen to your voice
Just listen
(Your voice)

I kid you not. This Album changed my life. It can relate to everyone. And to me. It feels amazing to hear the same thought in their struggles that relate to mine. 

Where does the road go?

What lies ahead? The road is dark and misty. But for some reason I am happy. I lived in the now, and it was glorious. One day at a time. Picture it as your last, would you do everything you'd like to do? Sometimes I don't. But sometimes I do. I mainly wish to say to say something to get a decent talk with you. Something that'll leave you smiling when you go home tonight and reflect on the day. I think I might have done it without me knowing. As I do things I don't think of them as anything. But when I read a certain book I seem to possess the traits that are already described. So I am on the right path. I just need to be patient. Patience, everything will come in time. :) 

My Birthday

I can be added up in a song. And a picture. Enjoy whoever you are. I did. I love life. And I came to terms with who I am. I found myself. Money, career, it will come by itself. For now, I'll take it day by day. Slowly. As slowly as possible. Like it is our last. Your last.

Belief comes within.

Romans 5

 ¹Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

 ²By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

 ³And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

 ⁴And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

 ⁵And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

 ⁶For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.

 ⁷For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.

 ⁸But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

 ⁹Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.

 ¹⁰For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life.

-King James Version

Why do I need this? Because I have suffering, I am patient, I gain experience everyday, and I hope for the best. Slowly things are coming together. But I have the fear. I have the fear that things will turn for the worse and all that I have hoped for would be a dream. I was told fear sets limits. Once you have fear you have a limit. If I fear the worse, what's my limit? Well what's my fear? My vision, my passion, my want for what I want to become slips away. That is my fear. Sometimes it takes a paragraph to share your thoughts and realize more about yourself. I have a fear, but now that I think of it it's a silly fear. I'm Jesus was scared before he died, yet he did it. He went through it every step of the way. I'm saying if he can take a beating like that and then still hope for the best at the last moments of his life. Something tells me that if I have to hope for the good no matter what the situation. It all comes down to how much you want. The less wants you have, the more you take things as they come like the yin and yang, the happier you will be. Happiness seems difficult to achieve. But if we change our focus it's right in front of us. My focus was or maybe still is to make money so I can help those around me. But I forget my career path isn't about money to help others. Its about how I feel about others. How I want others to feel good about themselves. Just like the artists before me they play to make happiness. Playing piano to me is happiness. And I do it everyday without making a penny. My happiness is right in front. The tomorrow is unknown, the past is a memory, and today is a chance. I believe that there is more to this life than what meets the eye. And so far, our only eyes have been stuck on this universe. So I'll continue to hope, pray, and remember this verse. Because I need to believe in myself. I hope, I pray, I wait, I suffer, I experience. What more do I need to believe in myself? 

The Good The Bad and The Dave

I wanted to sungaze this morning. The clouds blocked my view. Sometimes I get to see the sun and sungaze. Other times, the clouds block its rays. The sun is an example for us humans. It gives us life, it can brings us death. It brings us joy, it can bring us sadness. I was thinking earlier today why me. Why yesterday, why today. I realize. Just as the sun rises and see's its new day it shares its light with the world. It is not alone. The sun is with us just as we are with it. Sometimes it shines, sometimes our clouds block the view. Other times our heart lights up sky. You see you get a day. That's all. You're promised nothing more. Nothing less. A day. A day can be bad. A day can be good. And a day can filled with Dave.

I hate the way I am

I hate you for taking away my happiness. I hate you for not making the ones I love happy. I hate you for not being there when I want you to. I hate that I have to be stronger than you. I hate that I can't say hello. I hate that when you talk you are always negative. I hate how much I had to change. I hate the way that my life has turned out. I want to have my friends back. I want to explore the new. I want to be free. I want to be taken. I want to see that life is good. I want to see that my mom is happy. I want to see that I can do it. I hate that I think so much. I hate that I cannot stop thinking about the future. I hate how I question every move. I hate how I cant go for it. I hate that I don't have my courage. I hate that I can't find someone I love. I hate how my heart burns with anger. I hate it when she asks me to do things. I hate it that I cannot be left alone. I hate it so much because I am lazy. I hate that I am lazy. I want to be active. I hate that I cannot stop. I hate the habit I cannot kick. I want to kick it to the curb and enjoy the weekends like I use to. I hate being so alone. I hate being so cold. I hate living in fear. I hate that no one can hear me. I hate that no one is honest with me. And I hate that I cannot tell what others think about me. I hate that I contradict myself. I hate that I care about others. I hate that I cannot let go. I hate that I cannot be free. I want to hold you. I want to hug you. I want to walk in the snow. I want to walk in the rain. I want you with my friends. I want you alone. I want to share you with my mom. And be proud that I am loved. I want you to be honest. I want you to show me that you care. I want you to love me like I love you. I hate how I cannot have you. I hate how I wait for nothing. I hate how I think something good will happen. I hate how nothing happens. I hate that I want the bad. I hate how I want the good. I want to stop my world. I want to pause. I want to take a breath. I want to take a dip. I want to see you in my face. I want you to last. I hate that I want. I hate that. I want to stop wanting. I want to stop caring. I want to be free. I want to not worry. I want you. I want you to save me. I want you to show me there is a God. I want to know that he loves me. I want to see God. I want to talk to my angel. I want to fly in the air.  I want to stop thinking about all my troubles. I want to think of the new.

it's strange how one may have a thought about somebody. You think what you think, and they will think what they think. Sometimes for one to understand it takes others around them to help them think. But what makes it so difficult for people to come to an understanding? Why is it that when feelings are expressed some take it offensively instead of taking it passively. Sometimes for one to understand that their thoughts and their self worth is not as high as they put themselves to be, it takes a real feeling to be expressed. A feeling of care and understand that its okay to be you. You don't have to change into someone else to please others. Just sit down and think about you. If others don't like you its on them, nothing is wrong with you. It's hard to accept, but hey someones gotta say it if noone has. It'll take some time, but all we are given in this life is time. So use it up in any way you want. Just listen once in a while. It can be fun. Remember that you did not choose this life, so it is only fair to not think like you know the life. 

The world we live in

So far it is 2011. If we look back 100 years (1911) stop and think for a moment. Think about what we have now that they do not have. Okay now look another 100 years (1811). How much change has happen in those 100 years? It is odd how much our world changes. It seems like we are advancing, or getting bored with our current lifestyle. We seek a new and better way. A way of what? Helping others? Taking over others? Become the wealthiest? It seems that if we look around and compare the benefits we have given mankind and the troubles we have given mankind. It seems like humans are more prone towards troubles. The majority of the world is always dealing with problems...And every 100 years there are problems. Changes. New ways of medicine. New ways to get wealthy. New ways to sneak around and not get caught...We are deceivers for our desires. And slaves to our desires. We need a change of good. We need to change for the better. We need peace. Stop thinking of war. "War on poverty" "war on drugs" "war on crime" We need to think of peace. Of positive. A change comes with a hope. Hope for the better and hope will come. We need to have many hopes. Not many wants. Need and want are two very different things. We need to take care of our human race. We need to feed, clothe, and give to one another. If we are all on the top why is that so bad? We all want to feel special. But we need to survive. Death is unknown and the unknown is beauty. Let us live now. Let us be humans.